I Suck

I broke my little boy’s heart tonight. Again….by strongly and negatively reacting to one of his BIG BOOM expressions of how he lives life. The thing is, he was just being himself.

 
After brushing his teeth, he took a flying leap onto my bed, screamed right up in my face as he rolled past me, arms and legs flailing. I wasn’t at all prepared for that because I was tired, drained from hours of being present. I was already starting to cocoon myself for the night, I was writing, and so I jumped out of my skin and yelled at him. He still wanted my attention and I just didn’t have anymore to give.

 

I went off about how much I dislike when he does that. I reminded him for the bazillionth time that I’m different than him in some ways, and he needs to learn to be more aware of that. I told him I know he likes LOUD! and CLOSE! and SURPRISE! and constant ACTION! but I don’t. Not always, anyway. It’s not my idea of fun when I’m tired and done for the day. His eyes welled up as I told him it doesn’t mean I don’t like HIM – because I DO, there’s SO MUCH to like and I’m happy we have so much fun together – its just that when it’s unexpected and I’m tired, that particular kind of ACTION! is a shock to my system, and I don’t like it at all. My fuse had been tripped and I just wouldn’t SHUT UP. Shocker.

 

He listened to all of that, stuffed the tears,  and then he said, “Wow, I guess you need a lot of space because I didn’t think I was that loud or that close and I wasn’t trying to surprise or scare you. I was just trying to have fun with you”, and then he walked away. He didn’t want anything else to do with me for the rest of the night. And I don’t blame him. I was relieved.

I suck.

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