For Husband

Hey there, people.

Husband was off work yesterday for Veterans Day and we did something totally wild. Boy had a half day because of teacher conferences, which meant we had about 3.5 hours to ourselves. Not to get in your face about stuff you don’t need to know but…..

WE WATCHED A MOVIE.

LMAO. We’d started watching CHEF over the weekend but we couldn’t finish it because thats what always happens when there are kids in this house. And nighttime movie viewing doesn’t work for us because one of us goes to bed at 8pm and gets up at 3 or 4am and it’s not me. So after we got Boy to school, we started the movie from the beginning and sat on the couch in our family room and watched. Uninterrupted. Yeah, I know. And we laughed and chatted and also cuddled a little and cried a little at the end. And we loved it, the movie and our time together. Please help me remember that it’s my new favorite movie because a month from now if someone asks me what my favorite movie is, I won’t remember. Help me remember too that I really like hanging out with my husband. He’s awesome. Damn menopause. I forget sometimes. 

As the movie ended and we dried our happy tears, someone knocked on our door and we jumped off that couch like a couple of kids being caught by their parents doing something they shouldn’t be doing. It was our neighbor who came to get his power washer back from us because I’m horrible at returning stuff plus I wasn’t done with it and now we have a half power washed house. But anyway, it was pretty funny because we felt the need to tell him what we’d been up to and how naughty we felt. Watching a movie. Alone. Together. On a weekday. The nerve.

After our neighbor left, we had a quick errand to run so we decided to go out for lunch before we had to pick up Matt. Nothing fancy, just salad and sandwich. We walked a little bit too, it was so sunny and warm, just gorgeous.

So this whole thing, the movie, our time alone together yesterday, got me to thinking about second chances, do-overs. I won’t spoil the movie for those of you who haven’t seen it, but beyond it being a foodie feel good story that is a helluva lot of fun, it really resonated with us too, lets just say that. You know, not many people are lucky enough to have do-overs and it seems like most of them don’t usually work out so well anyway. But we are and it did. Not in a fairy tale way, but in a pretty good way nonetheless.

For those of you who know us well, you know at least the general outline of the story. We had a bad time, we tore each other apart, Husband got sober, we grew up, we spent years putting it back together and we ended up with something we never thought we’d have. A family. Today is the 18th anniversary of Husband deciding to get sober one day at a time. He posted a more detailed account on his FB page that you can read if you are friends with him; it’s his story to tell. The short version is that he worked his ass off and I worked my ass off and we worked our asses off and everything is ok because he’s alive and we’re together.

Husband has been worrying about his mortality lately. Very unlike him. I think its normal as we move solidly into middle-age, and begin to see some of our peers getting sick and even dying. His faith isn’t on shaky ground at all, his assessment of his earthly life is. And this is what I want him to know…

Yes, it was hell for awhile. Ok, more than awhile. And I’m sorry I wasn’t particularly graceful through any of it. I may have been strong and brave but I was also scared and hurt and angry and SCARED. I took it VERY personally. AND I am so proud of him and all he’s accomplished these past 18 years, the last 10 most especially. I’m sorry for the times I didn’t think he could do it. But he did it, he’s still doing it, one day at a time, despite many obstacles. I’m sorry I’m still afraid sometimes. Its the one thing I wish I could change and I’m sorry it’s made things hard for us both sometimes. In a way, I wish we could just erase the hell from our collective memories and experiences, but given where we both came from before we met, somehow I doubt we’d be where we are now. On peacefully solid ground. Mostly. I do believe that part of the purpose of marriage is to work out our salvation together. It’s serious stuff. Definitely not for wimps.

And so yes, I’m happy and proud. I just love him, that’s all. He makes me laugh. We enjoy being together when we make time for us. We get each other. He’s my best friend. He’s become my rock in many ways, which is a total freaking miracle. And yes, all of that is tangled up with trust issues that we continue to have to work on and maybe we always will and I hate that part. Its really hard. Still, the kids and I are lucky to have him and our life together means more to me than anything after fighting for it for so long. Its funny when that happens because it never seems to happen in the way you dreamed of or planned, but maybe it happens in the way you needed. Or maybe we’re both a couple of crazies. Or both. I don’t know.

So when he questions what he’s accomplished and whether its good enough or whether it matters, I wonder how can he not get it? Ok, yes, maybe I’m partly responsible for why he doesn’t get it sometimes because I’m hyper vigilant and I can go to scary places – especially when I see red flags – and I am so GREAT at dragging him along with me and forcing him to see them. And to DO something about them. He says I’m the shocker AND the glue. But anyway, he saved his life. And he makes a decision to save it every single day. So he can actually LIVE. So the kids and I can be with him. He is committed to us and to helping others. He sees the good in human beings and in this foul, confused world. He is a great person – funny, smart, generous, kind – a great friend, a great son-in-law, a great brother-in-law and uncle, a great cousin and nephew, a great employee, mentor and professional, a great sponsor, a great father, and he is a great husband to me – and I admit that last one can’t be easy for him at times because I’m not good at letting him forget. And I’m always pointing out the blind spots. So annoying, I know. But anyway, all of his hard work gave us the real deal, and a place to land, a home, a family, a life. Together.

I’m so glad we had that time yesterday so I could remember. You did it, Husband. It matters. It matters to me. I love you SO much.

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