Detox

Craving a SLURPEE first thing in the morning cannot be a good thing, right? But it’s pretty indicative of the filthy, depressive eating I’ve been doing this winter. Basically, I feel like crap. After receiving a badass but loving text from my best friend out in WI, I started back with the dreadmill/elliptical routine this week, gently, at least until the weather breaks and allows me to hit the road again. I don’t do outside in temps of less than 50 degrees, 55 if there’s wind.

Even though I am very critical of quick fixes, and I renounce diets, and I am more and more suspicious of programs and groups that reek of the CULT OF PERSONALITY, I embarked on an obsessively researched 3 day detox, which was routinely practiced by a very dear health nut friend of mine – who died a couple of years ago, but NOT from the detox, don’t worry – which adds to its credibility in my mind. I’ve done this detox a few times before and I’ve found myself, once again, in pretty desperate need of a reset.

I’m slightly resentful that I felt like I had to do it again because its not my favorite way to spend 3 days. In other words, its unpleasant. Why do I have to learn the hard way over and over AGAIN? I don’t know. And why can’t I EVER stay in a balanced place through the winter? No idea. Why does crappy eating inevitably lead to dropping my exercise routine? And a significant decrease in water consumption? And my mental health? If I knew the answers to these questions, and what to DO to prevent them from happening repeatedly, I’m pretty sure I’d be rich. I’ve come to accept that I’ll probably never be the poster child for emotionally healthy eating on an ongoing basis, or even mental health in general (ha!), but I’m glad I’m derailing the crazy food train again and I know from experience that the benefits will be worth the temporary discomfort.

Oh, and I dragged my husband along on the detox so I didn’t suffer alone. Here are some notes from our three days in hell, I mean on our journey back to cleaner eating.

The Night Before

We got our protein shake crap in the mail today. Its just sitting there on the counter, mocking us. I hate the stuff, but the detox is only really awful for the first day. I also went to the grocery store and got all of the raw fruits and vegetables we’ll need. One of the good things about this detox is that its so easy to prepare for. Order the protein online and shop from a grocery list like this one:

Now that we’re prepared, I’m just in denial. We splurged on Chipotle for dinner, and also I drank more diet soda than I will ever admit to any of you guys. I guess I want to see just how bad I can feel tomorrow morning. I’m not touching the psychology of that with a ten foot pole.

Day 1

I feel bad. LOL. Actually, not as bad as I thought I would, but still.

Disclaimers: I’m not gonna promote the specific detox and protein shake here, but if you want details about it you can message me. Also, I’m not giving up coffee this time. I’ve done that before and it was…well, nevermind…but NO.

The plan today calls for loading up on protein. We’re supposed to have a protein shake every 2 hours starting at 8am, finishing up at 4pm, so 5 shakes with lots of water-sipping in between. Then for dinner, a gigantic mountainous salad of lettuces and raw veggies with a small amount of protein on top, like chicken breast, and a dressing of lemon juice and avocado. I know thats not really salad dressing, but too bad. And thats it. Nothing after that 6pm salad. Except water. Thats the time that will be really really rough for me because I’ve basically been hanging out in the pantry after Boy goes to bed since like, I don’t know, Thanksgiving.

The protein shake bag claims that its the best-tasting protein on the planet. It might be, I don’t know because I’ve never had any other kind, but in my opinion the stuff does not taste good. Of course it could still be the best, the best of the not good or something, but if thats true, I don’t ever want to try the others. To be clear, I’ve never used this one outside of this detox, so I’ve never mixed it with milk or yogurt or juice or fruit or nuts or anything like that. Maybe if you do that, it IS the best. But for the purposes of this detox, its a scoop of the mix in 12 oz of water stirred up extremely vigorously to prevent clumps. Period. Oh, ok, here, have some ice. And I’ll tell you what, it tastes like soap.

I guzzled – which I’ve learned is necessary if you want to prevent clumps from forming – the first shake this morning at 8am during our getting ready for school frenzy and quickly moved on. The good thing is that it has so much protein, I won’t be hungry for awhile. But I’ve done this before and I know that won’t last.

The 10am shake went down fine, I was busy in the house and wasn’t at all hungry. But now, its lunch time, time for the 12 noon shake and I AM hungry and I don’t want the shake, I’d prefer chips and queso actually. I feel so bloated. I probably have protein shake clumps forming in my stomach as I write. Or it could be the aftermath of all of that diet soda last night. But whatever, I know it will pass once I start peeing, etc in a few hours.

It’s 2:30pm and I swear I’m burping up soap bubbles. I admit I’m hungry and grumpy. One more shake at 4pm.

Ok, its a little after 4pm and I DID NOT WANT THAT LAST SHAKE, even though I’m hungry. Getting it down actually made me feel a little nauseous. I think the same thing happened the last time I did this, but the worst part is over now. Drinking tons of water so the non-stop peeing has begun. Roughage Mountain at 6pm.

As we practically knocked each other over racing for the bathroom to pee, Husband and I counted down the minutes until we could have to our salads. You never know how much you will miss chewing until you can’t chew. Profound, I know. And so at 6pm ON THE DOT we chewed until our jaws were sore because I’m not kidding when I call these salads Roughage Mountain. I was so weary from all of the chewing that I couldn’t quite finish mine, for which I’ll probably be sorry later.

It’s 8pm and I’m sorry.

Day 2

The unthinkable happened. ANOTHER FREAKING SNOW DAY. Which means I’ll be serving goldfish crackers and other assorted crapola to my kid while I gulp water and eat fruit every two hours starting at 8am, finishing at 4pm. But hey, at least there will be no soapy protein shakes. Until dinner.

I just had my second fruit serving at 10am, a big crispy, juicy apple, and I’m fine. Not hungry. Peeing mainly, and also doing laundry and hanging out with Boy.

Ok. Well. This is why I ALWAYS do this detox during the week: no kids at home which means NO KID FOOD UP IN MY FACE. At noon I had my cantaloupe perfectly sliced and arranged on my plate when I was serving Boy and his neighborhood buddy corn dogs and tater tots. Suddenly, this overwhelming wave of something inexplicable came over me and I was worried I might actually take a bite out of my granite countertop and so to interrupt that disturbing thought, I popped a few tater tots in my mouth.

Dammitittohell.

I would like to tell you that I kicked the shame of those damn tater tots off my heels and resolutely marched onward in balanced maturity and moderation. Sounds good, but nope, that’s not what happened. I was totally fucked over by my submission to those damn tater tots and even now as I write this, after having struggled with what to do with this awesome blog post that I’d already half-written, I’m still taunted by the lingering taste of their salty goodness in my mouth.

Cheers to my dear old friend, Mike.

The end.

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2 thoughts on “Detox

  1. I cannot believe that you had the courage to embark on another fruit flush! And your story is mine a thousand times over. I have made it through day one many a times only to cave midway through day two…sometimes I’ve even gained weight :). Take heart…same thing happened to my dad…though his will power was a bit stronger…he usually caved during day 3! And as for the shakes…get chocolate flavor, mix it with frozen bananas a little peanut butter, some cocoa powder and ice…delicious…like Reece’s ice cream :). Keep writing, stop dieting, drink more Starbucks…you are beautiful inside and out.

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    • I think it’s actually more like crazy! And I kept thinking as I wrote this that your Dad is in heaven shaking his head and laughing about my self-discipline problems. Ha. And btw, so glad you started up your blog and I’ll look forward to following along:) xo

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