Hey there. How’s it going? Its been awhile, I know. This has been the longest stretch between posts in the year since I started this blog. Ahhh, but if only you could get your hands on my google docs, you’d see all of the nearly finished posts just waiting, patiently, to be finished. Someday. Soon.
Anyway, Sunday morning.
If you are at all like me and you still can’t do church on a regular basis without feeling like you want to run for your life and, yet, you sort of wish you could because you still miss it in some kind of weird, indescribable way, and you’ve tried repeatedly but you just CANNOT, then might I suggest getting outside for some fresh air? Let the beauty of God’s physical world envelope you, inspire you, heal you?
Its a gorgeous morning for a prayerful, meditative, thankful walk. As you know, if I had the time, I could and WOULD walk until Kingdom Come. And I’m not bullshitting you when I tell you I felt God with me every single step of the way this morning, loving me right where I am, a big fat mess, just like you and you and YOU.
I’m so thankful for that because I needed the reminder. Some of the ugliness that happens in church or comes out of the mouths of Christians isn’t of God, I know that, but its hard for me to remember it sometimes. And its completely impossible for me to tease it all apart when I’m in the middle of it. Church, the place that’s supposed to be God’s spiritual hospital, saturated with the BIG BAD UGLY hiding behind human faces professing to be God’s servants. That’s what it feels like to me, still, after all these years. And yet, I still miss it, it’s still part of my story. But anyway, fine, we’re all human and we’re all a mess, and I love God and He loves us all, but don’t spew your ugly in word and/or deed and/or don’t turn your head away and/or make excuses when you witness such things AND then pontificate to me about what you think Jesus teaches and wants. Just DON’T. Because as Lyle Lovett says, “God will, but I won’t.” I can’t. Church still triggers the hell out of me, obviously. I can drop in sometimes to be with my family, but NO.
And so just for today, maybe just for this morning, I trust that God gets me, right where I am. And it’s ok. I trust He’ll hang around while I spend the rest of my life working this crap out. Even if it continues to piss me off because it’s just not fair, dammit. But its ok for this morning and I’m grateful for that.